Brought to you today by the #1, and the letter J...

Yes.... I am human.... And, believe it or not, I think that every once in a while, that revelation comes as a surprise to me. Why should I have to set goals? I can just WILL things into being the way I want them too, right?

I remember a conversation I once had with my then sister in law Erica. We were talking about willpower. She said something to the effect that she has always felt that she could overcome any sort of challenge by a brute show of will power. She used the example of cancer. I remember her squinting up her face, and making a sound like she was grunting, to illustrate such will power. I remember that struck such a cord with me. Being of the Walt Disney, the "if you dream it, and wish hard enough, you can have whatever you want" generation, I then set a course to will whatever I surveyed into submission... My weight? SUBMITTED, my husband, and his own free will and ability to think for himself? SUBMITTED (poor guy)

Now, I will be the first to admit that I was a *teensy* bit controlling. Which, if anyone else has ever struggled with that issue, it's hard to even realize what you are doing to the people around you. But, I digress, that's another topic for a different day.

The point I'm trying to make is that I had the idea that I could, through sheer power of mind and will, make everything right that I perceived to be "wrong" in my life... Well, fast forward a little while, and I rapidly figured out exactly what happens when a person tries to control everything, even her feelings... Feelings are interesting things.... They form, sometimes independently of what is going on in our conscious minds. I had to work very hard to "will" out of my head that constant, niggling, worming thought that maybe my situation wasn't right, or happy, and that my husband was not the person that I had formed him into in my mind. We all deal with feelings in different ways. If we had open, loving, supportive families, we are taught that our feelings matter, and that it's ok to vent them, little bits at a time, so that they never build up. Well, I am not one of those kinds of people. I am the kind of person who would rather ignore them, and pretend that I'm fine, in which case, they silently build, and build, and build until I have a meltdown, because of the pressure.

Applying this to my life, oh, say 1996-2006, I was stuck in a VERY stressful marriage, with some major issues, that I was busy trying to ignore... I am a balance person, meaning an imbalance in one part of my life, throws off everything.. Being very much a creature of habit, when I'm feeling so crappy inside, and I'm too afraid to explore those feelings, and fix the problem, so I go into "potato bug mode".

(If you've ever seen one of those little bugs curl up into a hard ball when they perceive a threat, you know what I mean.) Thus, and we all know it takes somewhere around 21 days to form a good habit, and something like 4 to break a good habit... Back in the good 'ole days, I would lay in bed for days at a time, feeling just downright crappy. SO, my good habits of daily laundry, and dishes, and cleaning went out the window. SO, as you can all guess, my habit then became ignoring the messes, and work to be done, and complacency became a big habit in my life...

Well, due to the fact that I had been practicing HARD how to ignore the bad feelings in my life, I also started to ignore ANY feelings, even the good ones. I woke up one day, fat, and lazy, dirty kids, filthy house, and headed nowhere fast. I realized, *defining moment alert* that will power wasn't going to make the problem going away, and I also realized that I was going to have to deal with things, and make some changes, and most of all, WORK. They were life altering changes, and it was like being at the foot of Everest, and knowing that I wasn't going to be fully happy until I reached the top... This is where the will power comes in... I also realized that I HATE changes... I found myself packed up, and moving my kids and I 400 miles away from my husband, and our crumbling marriage, to a new job, and a new life. It was scary. That was almost 4 years ago, and I think I'm just now getting myself to uncurl from my potato bug ball. I've recently realized that I've become out of touch with my feelings again, and instead of having a giant meltdown, I've been "eating my feelings"... WHAT?! When did I become that person? I am realizing that I have developed a subconscious aversion to anything that resembles my life then, (before the move, and the marriage breakup), the good and the bad.

I have been evaluating the things that need to be fixed at this point in time... 1. I need to loose the 45 extra pounds I've "found" in the last 2 years. And not because I'm vain, because I hate the way I look and feel. 2. I need to form some good, daily housekeeping habits again. I loved my house that my husband and I shared in my "back then" life, and due to certain circumstances in that relationship, I left it, because it was about to become "not ours" in a big hurry. I don't think I got enough closure in that area, and that's subconsciously manifested in the fact that I hate cleaning this little, stinky, messy house, and I avoid it like the plague. I used to love cleaning. 3. I need to get back in some daily routine habits. I love pilates, and used to work out daily. I used to study the scriptures for hours at a time. Now it's a huge struggle...

So, after that rambling discourse on nothing of any particular importance to anyone but me, here is the real purpose of this whole thing... I have a wonderful husband, and despite all the little things that go wrong in EVERY ONE'S lives, I am happier than I have ever imagined I could be, in the relationship area. I think it's time to close the door on all that bad stuff, and time to move on...

Starting today, as day #1, I am proclaiming to myself, (and you), that I am going to work on all these things again for 21 days straight, to see where I end up at the end of the 21 days. Are you with me?

Goal #1- I intend to read (at least) one chapter a day in the Book Of Mormon (instead of the 5 chapters, once a week, to feel like I'm making up for not being consistent)

Goal #2- Some exercises every day (except Sunday)

Goal # 3- Wake up early and do at least some of the housework BEFORE work, instead of after work, because it doesn't actually get done, so I have to catch up by cleaning all day at some point. Here are the things that need done daily here: AT least 2 loads of laundry, dishes (no dishwasher), sweeping (gotta love the all wood floors), and cleaning bedrooms.

I know my current jeans size, I know my current weight, so I can measure my progress. Here I sit, a few random days of exercising out of the way, but I'm going to call today, day one. It's going well, so far, I've done the scriptures, and some exercising, now on to cleaning the house. Wish me luck :0